Struggle
by CursingBunnies
Summary: Small scenes describing Light's confusion, anger and denial. 'I am not a murderer. I am not Kira.' But he was. And when he regained his memories, he only had one choice. (Contains spoilers from slightly before Yotsuba arc to its end)


_Am I Kira?_

_Was I Kira?_

_Would I kill in the name of justice?_

_No._

_Nononono._

_I would never._

_But what if-_

_No._

"Yagami-kun?"

Light focused on the slouched figure before him, slightly dazed.

"Did you want some cake too?"

Light watched as L extended an arm, offering his half-eaten strawberry cake.

"A-ah, no, it's alright. I was just… thinking."

L nodded and took another bite.

"Ryuuzaki…"

"Yes?"

Light stopped himself before he could go any further. Confiding in L was nothing but a plea for comfort.

He didn't need that, and L was the last person who would provide it.

_I am not Kira._

_I would not glorify murder by claiming the need for justice._

_I am not a murderer._

_I am not Kira._

"Nothing."

* * *

Light stared up at the ceiling, arms held stiffly by his side as he listened to L breathe softly beside him.

"Yagami-kun, are you uncomfortable?"

Without taking his eyes off the ceiling, Light replied.

"No, not really. Of course, this would hardly be my first choice for sleeping arrangements. Why do you ask?"

"Your exhaustion has become more apparent each day. Sleep does not seem to come easily to you, and even when it does, it does not appear to bring you any useful rest. I assume that did not use to be the case."

Light laughed.

"In that case, I could ask you why you were awake long enough to observe that."

"Yagami-kun, you are surely intelligent enough to notice that I do not usually sleep."

"I suppose."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence. Light closed his eyes.

_Did Kira plan this?_

_Did I plan this?_

_NO!_

Light cursed silently as he opened his eyes, staring fixatedly on the ceiling once again.

Hey, keep this up and maybe he'd look like L.

* * *

"Hey, Ryuuzaki? What makes you so certain that I am Kira?"

"You know the reasons, Yagami-kun. I don't think I need to remind you."

"Humour me."

"You are not the type to waste time and I don't think you intend to start, Yagami-kun. I don't see any practical purpose in repeating something that you have most likely thought through and analyzed in any way possible."

Light paused and shook his head.

"… You're right. I'm sorry."

At that, L finally turned away from the screen he was watching intently and studied Light for a moment before speaking.

"You are afraid of the possibility that you are Kira?"

Light laughed, "Hey, anyone would if the world's greatest detective seems to think of it as the only solution."

"Yes. But Yagami-kun isn't just anyone, and he wouldn't be this concerned if he didn't see it in himself, am I correct?"

Light hesitated, beginning to run through all the reactions he could give, and all their outcomes.

But he was tired.

Just tired.

So he nodded, feeling like he had lost somehow.

"It's not pleasant," he said, voice uncharacteristically soft, almost vulnerable.

L did not reply and Light felt shame begin to edge into his body. He turned away from the _detective that suspects you damn it_ and tried to lose himself in work. _Something, there has to be something damn it you idiot you shouldn't have you stupid-_

He felt heat on his back, he was surrounded by the smell of strawberry and _sweet it was sweet_ with arms locked around his chest, preventing his own arms from moving. He looked up to see L's chin above him.

_Hug?_

"Ryuu-"

"Yagami-kun should not worry. I believe that at this moment, you are not Kira."

Light hesitated before allowing himself to lean back slightly into the awkward embrace.

"And if I did turn out to be?"

"Then you would be detained and judged for the crimes you have committed."

_Of course._

"Thank you."

* * *

Light stared at the dimly lit screen of the laptop, frowning.

"Tch," he pushed himself away from the table in disgust, accidentally tugging at L's end of the chain as his chair slowed to a halt.

L took no notice and continued typing quickly.

Light propped up his elbow on the arm of the chair, resting his cheek on his palm as he stared at the slender form of the curled up man balancing on the chair.

That hug… what did it mean? Was it another Kira test? No, it couldn't have been. What could L possibly deduce from something like that? He doubted that the simple action of accepting or rejecting a hug would increase the chances of him being Kira.

But then again, what would he know?

When L looked at him, what did he see?

Would he always see him as Kira?

The Killer?

_I never wanted this. _

He hated this.

_And if L is right and I am only waiting to get Kira's powers again?_

_Impossible. No, it's not. _

_If I am Kira… If I get those powers again… Would I turn into a monster?_

His eyes widened imperceptibly in horror. If he was Kira, if he was…

_I would rather die._

"Yagami-kun, I do need the results of your research soon."

"Ah, yes. I'll get right to it."

* * *

"Yagami-kun, do you own a teddy-bear?"

Light sighed, wondering why he was still unused to L's blunt, often confusing questions in the middle of the night.

"No, Ryuuzaki. I don't."

"Is that so?"

Light waited for the man to elaborate, and was only slightly annoyed when he received none.

"Was there a point to that question?"

He heard a rustle beside him and assumed L was either nodding or shaking his head. Light was too tired to check.

"I thought you might only be able to sleep in a presence of a childhood toy and perhaps you were too embarrassed to bring it here."

"…You don't really think that do you?"

"I wonder."

Light chuckled and turned towards L. He jerked involuntarily when he saw L only inches away from him, staring wide-eyed with his thumb in his mouth again.

"R-Ryuuzaki! What the-!"

L tilted his head as well as he could with his cheek pressed against a pillow and let out a quizzical hum.

"What's wrong, Yagami-kun? You seem flustered."

"I am not! Just- space, personal space!"

"Ah," L said, shifting backwards, "My apologies."

Light let out an internal sigh of relief and shook his head.

"No, no, I'm sorry, I was just surprised."

He closed his eyes, trying to think of _anything besides_ _L's closeness, his eyes, his frustrating thumb chewing habit _– it just felt too… intimate.

Damn it, he didn't have time for – for whatever the hell he was doing. It was just… just momentary insanity on his part. It made sense. It did. His proximity to L the past few days alone – throw in the connection he felt with the detective _kindred spirits same wavelength we know how each other thinks_ he'd be better off forgetting this completely.

If only it were that easy.

* * *

"Liiiight!" he cringed at the high pitched sing-song voice that came from the speakers, "Misa is lonely!"

Light attempted to tune her out, but L was staring at him with interest.

"Yagami-kun, are you not going to entertain your girlfriend?"

Light jumped slightly as he turned to look at his companion, his cheek brushing the tip of L's nose.

_So close?_

He shook his head.

"Finding Kira is our top priority. In any case, wherever I go, you would have to follow, and I assume you have better things to do?"

"Liiiiight!" Misa's voice shot out of the speakers once again.

And once again, Light ignored the call.

"But Yagami-kun hasn't been to see her for days, surely you are starting to miss her company?"

_Definitely not._

Light smiled.

"I never knew you were so interested in my relationships, Ryuuzaki."

"It's necessary for me to observe you. You are, after all, still a suspect."

_Fuck you._

Light turned back to his work to keep himself from punching the _jackass_ in the face.

"I am not Kira."

L hummed in acknowledgement.

"So you keep saying."

* * *

L had been staring at him for the past ten minutes. That wasn't unusual. However, Light was actually distracted by it this time.

"What do you want, Ryuuzaki?"

L tilted his head, bringing his thumb to his mouth.

"Just observing, Yagami-kun."

"What? Is there now a 25% chance that I'm Kira because I didn't put sugar in my tea?"

When Light saw that L actually seemed to be considering it, he sighed.

"I was joking."

L nodded, still watching Light with wide eyes.

"I know. Yagami-kun is mistaken. I was not observing for Kira."

Light raised an eyebrow, turning to face L.

"Oh? I fail to see any other reason."

L said nothing, eyes still fixed on Light.

It was getting more disturbing now. Before Light could say something, L seemed to have reached a decision about something and nodded.

"I am very fond of you, Yagami-kun."

_What?_

"I… am very fond of Ryuuzaki as well. You are my best friend, after all."

L shook his head.

"You misunderstand me, Yagami-kun. I would like you to be my lover."

_WHAT!?_

Light's eyes widened as he stared at the expressionless detective.

"I-" he started, not knowing how to finish.

L sighed.

"You do not feel the same way."

_Disappointment?_

"No, I-" he stopped as a cold understanding washed over him.

He stood, glaring at the crouched man.

"You have gone too far, L-san. You can test for my guilt in any way, but it is not necessary for you to toy with my emotions in your quest to convict me."

He wanted desperately to walk away, but the damned handcuffs-

"I would appreciate it if you refrained from speaking to me for the next few hours."

_Childish._

He sat down again and ignored L's stoic gaze.

Idiot. Light was such an idiot, because no matter what he had said, L could have drawn only one conclusion from his reaction.

_I wanted it to be real._

* * *

A/N: First up! Disclaimer: I do not, nor ever have owned the series Death Note or any of its characters.

Warnings: May be considered OOC. Contains rare curses and a same sex relationship (nothing explicit). If any of these offends you, please do not continue reading past this chapter!

This is probably not as good as I would like, and I will revisit it after I've finished wallowing in sadness over (spoiler?) the L situation.

Also, just in case, the italics refer to Light's thoughts and will not be used as an indication of the stressing of an italicised word in this story!

Thank you for reading! This will most likely be a 3 part story. Please do leave a review and favourite if you liked it, or a review telling me what you didn't like, what I can improve on or what I've gotten completely wrong!


End file.
